When my children began studying at a Chinese school, I imagined all the cool kids they’d meet and the fun they’d have together—kicking a ball in the park after school or hanging out at home watching TV and munching on snacks—basically the same things they do with their non-Chinese friends. But it seems as if this wasn’t meant to be. In fact, I’m starting to think Chinese kids in Shanghai don’t play much at all.

In the beginning, we extended many invitations, but there was always a reason they couldn’t come. I tried to get to know the parents better and invited them to come along to the park too. No luck. After six months at a new school, my kids had made a bunch of Chinese friends, but we couldn’t seem to extend that friendship beyond school hours.

Having drawn a blank even after numerous invitations, I thought a birthday party might be the ticket for a play-date in disguise. Knowing that this would be a delicate negotiation, I did it properly—written invitations in both Chinese and English, folded in a proper envelope. No reply. I sent emails. No reply. Finally, a message filtered through from one of the kids—she couldn’t come because she had to attend a jade-carving competition. The same child has been instructed to never score less than 86 percent in any of her exams. She’s in grade 2.

I started to realize the extent to which Chinese kids in a competitive city like Shanghai have no real free time for play. Between their after-school schedule of music lessons and tutoring, and their weekends packed with stuff like concert pianist training and advanced particle physics, there just isn’t much spare time for anything. I began to think the jade-carving competition was just a way of letting us down gently, because it sounded more important than a math tutorial.

Just when I had given up on the whole idea, a teacher came up with the solution during last week’s parent-teacher conference: what if I convinced the Chinese parents that their child’s English would improve if they spent some time playing with a native English speaker? Brilliant. I had a slight twinge of discomfort about hiring out my children for language practice, but then I thought, what the hell. The parents will think they’re learning, and the kids will think they’re playing. A win all round.

Do you find it hard planning play dates with Chinese kids? Tell us in the comments below.

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